How Finding Friends is Like Dating

Building a social circle has been a main focus since arriving in the UK. We have amazing circles of friends and family back home, but for some reason few people offered to transplant their lives along with us so that we could have built-in drinking buddies here in London. (Weird, right?)

Lately I’ve also seen several friends post about how it’s difficult to find new friends in our current life stages — some have had Big Life Changes while others feel like their established friend base has become more distant recently (emotionally or literally). How do you connect with people when it’s routine to return to your solo apartment, to a significant other, or if you enjoy solitary hobby?

Making friends is basically the same as dating. Here’s what I’ve found helpful as I set up my new life in London:

Make the first move.

Maybe not this move.
Or maybe YES THIS MOVE.

Opening a conversation is as simple as saying, “Hi, I’m Ellen. What’s your name?” (I would suggest using your own name, though you’re welcome to borrow mine.) If you’ve got an opportunity to start a conversation, seize it! I made a friend on the Tube because I asked about the crazy behavior of some of our fellow riders. If your eyes meet from across the room, or, um, I mean, if you find yourself in the same place at the same time, or if your kids go to the same daycare, stick your hand out there and say hello.

Prepare talking points.

In London, we can always ask, “Where are you from?” because so many Londoners are expats. But after that conversation runs its course, it’s habit to venture over to, “So, what do you do?” I’ve started trying to avoid that question, especially after reading this article about Tess Vigeland’s experience with it. Why not try…

What are the hidden gems in this city? (Especially useful if you’re new in town!)
What keeps you busy on the weekends?
Have you traveled much? Where’s your favorite place so far?
Have you read anything interesting lately?

Those questions are reflective of what I like to do, and what I like to talk about. Which brings me to…

Share a little bit about yourself (and don’t be self-conscious about it!).

You know who’s really interesting? YOU ARE. I’m writing this for me as a personal reminder and for you as your cheerleader. Perfect strangers don’t know you; you have to introduce yourself! I’m not kidding — I thought of three things about myself that I think are really interesting (and relatable) and memorized them. If you really can’t think of anything, call your best friend and ask him or her to tell you. I promise they’ll have plenty to say.

Ask your friends to set you up.

Seriously. I asked anyone with contacts in London to connect me, and it turns out I get along really well with the friend of a coworker’s college roommate from ten years ago (that’s a friend-of-a-friend’s-friend if you’re keeping score at home). This tactic also comes with a surprising amount of describing what you’re wearing so that you can find each other the first time you meet. It’s very You’ve Got Mail. Or borderline sexting, y’know, whichever.

Ask for those digits.

Get a phone number, connect on Facebook, or get their email address (I don’t hesitate to add that I’m shamelessly looking for friends). Then…

Reach out!

For whatever reason, at some point in my life I got really self-conscious about texting too much or too soon. I felt very needy, and like I was imposing on someone’s life. Well guess what? I AM NEEDY AND DAMN RIGHT I’M PUSHING MY FRIENDSHIP ON YOU. After the first few texts, I got over it because guess what again — if you hit it off well enough that you have someone’s contact info, that won’t change based on the timing of your message. Pro tip: ask for concrete plans:

GOOD: “Great to meet you! Are you free to [do activity] on [day]?”
NOT SO GOOD: “Great to meet you! Would love to [do activity] sometime!”

And finally…

Sign up for online friend-ing.

The best difference between dating and making friends is you don’t have to limit yourself to just one friend. You can do everything above while also meeting people online. I’m a Meetup-evangelist (Meetupvelist?) but Facebook has groups, and Google knows everything. I met a woman last night who started searching for German conversation groups and wound up creating her own Historic Pub group. The point is, the internet has a place for every interest, and those interests are materializing into real people doing real things, together. It’s pretty great!